i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
