Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
