New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
