rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Drunk is not a location!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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