I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
