I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
