He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
