I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i dont even know how to be here
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
