I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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