i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
