the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I supernannyed him into submission
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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