Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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