I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
