I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
