party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
This house was built for laser tag.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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