It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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