Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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