I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
