i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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