dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
