i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize