What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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