Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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