Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
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