the condom got lost in my hair
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
