if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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