I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
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