I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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