Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
