Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
