just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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