Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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