Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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