what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
