dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
