"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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