I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
