Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize