I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
