birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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