Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
