She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
