Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
