remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
