3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
