home. puking in laundry basket.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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