aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
