my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
