Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
