She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
