So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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