i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
even my farts smell like vagina
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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