Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize