You're so nebulous sometimes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
