that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
