I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
