she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
